Today, Logan and I celebrate 3 years of marriage! In some ways it’s gone by so fast… in other ways, I can’t even remember what life was like beforehand.
Marriage has been amazing. No more saying goodbye at the end of the day. A built-in travel buddy. Knowing someone is committed to the relationship for the rest of our lives.
Wedding Photos by Hannah Belvedere Photography
But even with very similar family backgrounds (does anyone else watch It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve?), Logan and I realized we can be pretty different.
I’m an ultra-planner, even on our days off work. I can be extreme with my habits, working out like crazy and then not working out for months on end. I get really excited about random small things (I still get excited every time we buy chocolate at the grocery store).
Logan, on the other hand, is the most balanced person I’ve ever met. He has gone on a run almost every second day for over a decade. Logan rests by not having plans. He enjoys running, and surfing, and having good conversations, but doesn’t get crazy excited about them.
So we’re different. We had done premarital counselling, so when we got married we knew we had the same deep values on faith, family, friends, and finances.
How you apply your values can look very different
But how you apply the same values can look very different! What does it mean to value family? How much time do you spend with each other’s families? How often? For how long? Does it count if you go visit and a family member isn’t there? Is going for a meal enough? Or do you want to spend a whole weekend with them every month? Even if you have the same expectations, what happens when you go through a busy season, or one of you can’t commit to once a month?
Once you’re having a good, solid conversation about something you disagree on, at what point do you say that having someone else’s thoughts might be valuable? Doesn’t that make the situation feel so much more serious?
One of the best pieces of marriage advice Logan and I received I want to pass on to you. Here it is:
Don’t stop the counselling once you’re married.
Having a few counselling sessions already booked in for after your wedding normalizes the fact that you’ll want to talk through how you live out your values as a married couple!
This way, if you’re having a heated conversation, instead of having to escalate the problem by introducing the idea of sharing the problem with a counsellor, you can instead say “this is clearly very important to the both of us; maybe we can talk about it at our next counselling session and see how we can resolve it in a better way.”
Then you make a short list of things that have come up and discuss it at your next session! We had 3-4 sessions within our first year of marriage, and they were incredibly helpful. With time, we’ve had fewer sessions, but now if we’re having a hard time working through a problem, it’s so much easier to say “let’s bring this up next time we have a session.”
Before you’re married, you’re talking about your backgrounds and how you think about values, but you haven’t yet had the opportunity to see how each other lives out your values.
A Few Photos from our Sister’s Backyard Wedding
Marriage Advice for Engaged Couples
If you haven’t planned for premarital counselling sessions, maybe ask yourself “why not?” It’s such a great way to bring up conversations, values, and habits that may may otherwise not come up!
I can say having a clean kitchen table is important to me… but what does that mean? Do I need to spend 15 minutes cleaning it each day? Or can I have stacks of books indefinitely on it as long as the stack is nice and organized?
This may seem like a silly example, but we’re so used to our own habits that we often don’t even realize how they play into our values!
It’s so much easier to build in a habit of creating a predetermined space and time to talk through harder issues without having to make a big deal of the fact that we disagree.
Marriage Advice for Engaged Couples
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Date:
May 12, 2021
Today, Logan and I celebrate 3 years of marriage! In some ways it’s gone by so fast… in other ways, I can’t even remember what life was like beforehand.
Marriage has been amazing. No more saying goodbye at the end of the day. A built-in travel buddy. Knowing someone is committed to the relationship for the rest of our lives.
Wedding Photos by Hannah Belvedere Photography
But even with very similar family backgrounds (does anyone else watch It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve?), Logan and I realized we can be pretty different.
I’m an ultra-planner, even on our days off work. I can be extreme with my habits, working out like crazy and then not working out for months on end. I get really excited about random small things (I still get excited every time we buy chocolate at the grocery store).
Logan, on the other hand, is the most balanced person I’ve ever met. He has gone on a run almost every second day for over a decade. Logan rests by not having plans. He enjoys running, and surfing, and having good conversations, but doesn’t get crazy excited about them.
So we’re different. We had done premarital counselling, so when we got married we knew we had the same deep values on faith, family, friends, and finances.
How you apply your values can look very different
But how you apply the same values can look very different! What does it mean to value family? How much time do you spend with each other’s families? How often? For how long? Does it count if you go visit and a family member isn’t there? Is going for a meal enough? Or do you want to spend a whole weekend with them every month? Even if you have the same expectations, what happens when you go through a busy season, or one of you can’t commit to once a month?
Once you’re having a good, solid conversation about something you disagree on, at what point do you say that having someone else’s thoughts might be valuable? Doesn’t that make the situation feel so much more serious?
One of the best pieces of marriage advice Logan and I received I want to pass on to you. Here it is:
Don’t stop the counselling once you’re married.
Having a few counselling sessions already booked in for after your wedding normalizes the fact that you’ll want to talk through how you live out your values as a married couple!
This way, if you’re having a heated conversation, instead of having to escalate the problem by introducing the idea of sharing the problem with a counsellor, you can instead say “this is clearly very important to the both of us; maybe we can talk about it at our next counselling session and see how we can resolve it in a better way.”
Then you make a short list of things that have come up and discuss it at your next session! We had 3-4 sessions within our first year of marriage, and they were incredibly helpful. With time, we’ve had fewer sessions, but now if we’re having a hard time working through a problem, it’s so much easier to say “let’s bring this up next time we have a session.”
Before you’re married, you’re talking about your backgrounds and how you think about values, but you haven’t yet had the opportunity to see how each other lives out your values.
A Few Photos from our Sister’s Backyard Wedding
Marriage Advice for Engaged Couples
If you haven’t planned for premarital counselling sessions, maybe ask yourself “why not?” It’s such a great way to bring up conversations, values, and habits that may may otherwise not come up!
I can say having a clean kitchen table is important to me… but what does that mean? Do I need to spend 15 minutes cleaning it each day? Or can I have stacks of books indefinitely on it as long as the stack is nice and organized?
This may seem like a silly example, but we’re so used to our own habits that we often don’t even realize how they play into our values!
It’s so much easier to build in a habit of creating a predetermined space and time to talk through harder issues without having to make a big deal of the fact that we disagree.
Marriage Advice for Engaged Couples
